Kissing - an Art and Science

My mum’s the only woman who can get me to spring clean my room in autumn. She does it with something called dessert. Lemon Souffle’s, Apple Pies, Rum tarts, Trifle Puddings, Raspberry Jellies, Pineapple Cakes, Chocolate chip cookies, Hot fudge, Blackcurrant Ice creams, Caramel Custards, Whipped Mousse, Peach Melba, Gooseberry Treacle, Tiramisu, Strawberry Glazed cakes, Blueberry Muffins and Carrot Patties.

I may have left a few out. But that’s how she does it. I think it’s unfair to take advantage of a poor hungry girl in desperate need of nourishment, but it’s the broom or nothing.

So that’s how I found myself lying flat on my back under my bed with The Feather Duster. And that’s how the spider found me. And landed daintily on the tip of my nose. I squashed it of course, after jumping upright and banging my forehead against the underside of my bed. The last thing I want to do is go about kissing Kirsten Dunst upside down in the rain.

That made me think about kisses and kissing. Girls spend hours dreaming of their first kiss, boys spend hours fantasizing about what might follow. So what were the odds that there would be a systematized body of knowledge dedicated to the subject?

Good old Wikipedia proved me right. The science of kissing is known as Philematology. WikiHow being it’s normal helpful self has even devoted a page on ‘How to French Kiss’, This is salvation for the many girls who suffer when their boyfriends decide they want a game of tonsil tennis.

A kiss symbolizes love. It speaks of affection. Of amorous feelings. Of romantic intentions. And sometimes it promises a night of …er… well, dinner by candle light. Not all kisses are pleasant though. The kiss of a crime lord indicates that the underlings life is about to end. This is known as the Kiss of Death, or to put it simply, a goodbye kiss.

People worry about being bad kissers. What do you do with your tongue? Where do your hands go? What happens if you’re wearing braces? How do you avoid Bad Breath? What happens if you can’t breathe? (Honest, people do worry about breathing). Now the Eskimo’s, they don’t have to worry that they might be bad kissers. Not unless they’ve caught a cold and have a runny nose. And what are the chances of catching a cold in Alaska?

Prince Charming was indeed a brave man. He fought witches and monsters, and climbed up lashing vines of thorns. But more than anything, it was the kiss that spoke volumes of his courage. Sleeping Beauty had been asleep for a hundred years. She may have needed a kiss, but more than anything, she needed a toothbrush. Though it never occurred to him, I'm sure, to use protection. We would have heard about it, if he had.

"He stepped into the Royale Chambers, saw the lovely Princess asleep in her bed, ran into the Royale Bathroom, grabbed a bottle of Minte Fraysh, Ye Olde Mouth Wash, held her nose till her mouth fell open, sprayed her liberally with the stuff, and give her The Kiss of True Love."

Do you think Eskimo kissing makes no sense? There are some other really … unusual ways of kissing. Like butterfly kisses. Where two people put their eyes close to each other and flutter their eyelashes up and down. Or Caterpillar kissing, where the two individuals rub their eyebrows together.

There are cheek kisses and blown kisses and ring kisses for members of the Royal Family. One of the most romantic things a man can do for a woman is to kiss her hands. But for a man, there’s nothing as desirable as a French kiss.

I found a site which lists out 36 different ways (or is it types?) of kissing.

Most of it is redundant though. I suggest you spend five minutes devoted to each type (or way) and just call it THE kiss. And spend the rest of your life bragging about it if you’re a guy.

A bit of advice – take out your bubble gum before you try the earlobe kissing. Earrings don’t grow on trees, and your date won’t be very happy to have bits of chewy forming a protective covering over her sapphires.

The concept of kissing booths is alien to India, and I’ve yet to hear of a kissing booth being manned by… well, a man. Perhaps it’s because women aren’t loony enough to pay to get a kiss from a perfect stranger. This resolves the long debated point of whether women are the superior of the species. We are.

Now boys on the other hand are so used to kissing posters of a scantily clad Angelina Jolie (in the privacy of their bedrooms) that it comes as a big surprise to them when they find that the girl they’re kissing is wearing clothes and actually kissing back. This is why most of them make such a big mess of their first kiss.

Some girls spend hours at astrology.com trying to figure out which shade of lipstick will lead to the perfect kiss with a man who’s name begins with T, as opposed to no lipstick at all. And then spend hours on the phone asking each other whether Coral Red matte would be better than Coral Red gloss.

The superiority comes with age.

Mistletoe – isn’t that what Christmas is all about? (no it isn’t, but this post doesn’t cover that). This is the perfect way to steal a kiss from someone who would normally never deign to kiss you and will probably erase it from her memory five seconds later for the sake of image. This normally happens if you’re the class nerd and she’s the star cheerleader who took pity on you. Though the chance of that happening is very unlikely. The star cheerleader is always accompanied by a group of equally pretty and feather headed friends, and is never left alone, especially under misteltoe. But hey, you got the kiss didn’t you? And at the end of the movie- I mean year, she’ll probably fall in love with you and renounce her pom poms for a life of binary digits.

The longest kiss in the world lasted 30 hours 59 minutes and 27 seconds. A bit over the top? Well it takes all sorts to make this world. The pair kissed each other non stop as a Valentine Day special, and didn’t pause to eat, sleep, sit down or even go to the bathroom. They didn’t eat anything. For 30 hours 59 minutes and 27 seconds!

Which reminds me, my apple pie is ready and piping hot. And later, I plan to go over to the pond at the bottom on my neighbors garden. I have some frogs to kiss. Unless you know of a Prince Charming…?

Fun Facts:
One Apple Pie = One Thousand Kisses
One Kiss = One Thousand Words
One Word = One Thousandth of Picture
Therefore
One Apple Pie equals One Thousand Pictures.